Saturday, February 01, 2003
Just another wonderful Saturday in the G house.... The boys are bouncing off the walls and being defiant.. E is being his usual AH self and harrassing me about getting the housework done... He just doesn't seem to care that I am still mourning the loss of our baby... it hasn't even been 2 wks since we lost the baby and he seems to think I can just move w/life like nothing has happened... It took me til Thursday to fully accept that we lost the baby... Up til then I was able to answer any technical question but in my heart I hadn't fully accepted that I wasn't pg anymore... then I had my d&c follow up Thursday morning... I was hoping to get some answers but the tests came back with a result of "Product of Conception" and stated there was "no fetal tissue" present... The doctor says there is was nothing I did or E did to cause this, 1 in 4 pgs end in m/c and it is nature's way of making sure a sick baby isn't born.... That doesn't make me feel better, I would have (I still do) loved the baby no matter what.. To make it worse my pg was listed as a BLIGHTED OVUM... how could it be a blighted ovum if I was 12 wks on the day of the d&c and had seen a heartbeat and active baby at 7w6d??? That still baffles me but I will save those questions for another day when I am ready to call and ask them... The boys were insisted that we were having a girl so I have named her Emily Elizabeth - Deven wanted to call her Emily... I bought a guardian angel pin w/a peridot birthstone and a pin with baby booties and a peridot birthstone to remember Emily since I was due in Aug.. Aug 6th to be exact, my birthday, but that's a bridge I will deal with down the road... I am alot more emotional this week then I was last week, the boys have received alot of hugs and kisses this week, most under protest *L* I have no desires to do much of anything but veg.. I don't want to clean the house, I don't want to do dishes, laundry, grocery shop, etc.... Everywhere I turn there are newborns and pg women... it hurts to see them and know that I am not pg anymore... The boys occassionally ask questions so I can see they understand the baby is gone but still don't understand why there won't be a baby.... All I can do is tell them the baby is in heaven... Deven in his innocent youth says "Til she can come back to life again". In his world people die and come back right away as if nothing happened... Oh to be 5 again.... The doctor said to wait 2 months before trying again but DH has shut down to any possibilities of another baby.. it took me 3 yrs to get him to agree to another the last time... *sigh* Then again maybe this isn't the right time to have another baby anyway... Our marriage isn't the best, I find myself angry at him ALOT and the best we got along i a long time was that 1st week after I lost Emily... Well Dilen is sleeping and I should use this opportunity to rest myself.. I still don't have the energy levels I did before I got pg and seem to only want to sleep all the time.... Til next time....
